Entwined in my Gentle Femdom Relationship
I wish to possess my submissive, and to entwine his life around mine. I desire to nurture his growth, and be inspired to better myself in turn. My home is not a place, but him first of all. Every time I kiss his forehead I'm reminded how lucky I am to own him.
I wish I could kiss all his faults to claim ownership of those too, for my responsibility is all of his beautiful, imperfect self. I can't salve and solve his insecurities, but I can validate that my dearheart is worthy of love. I can't fix all his problems, but I can hold him tight and whisper reminders that he's mine.
Our relationship strives for a healthy balance of autonomy and dependence on each other. There are many toxic pitfalls to avoid with our dynamic, particularly given how wrapped up in each other we are. Our roles may be gentle D/s, but our love is a partnership that takes active work to maintain.
Through the seasons of our lives that love has come in different vignettes. Such as when my dearheart left to go work halfway around the world: I discovered that I missed the scent of him. I longed to be able to wake up to him, longed to have him wrapped so tightly around my routine that he would be like a second shadow.
At least while he was separated from me, my dearheart had his collar to cling to – a physical token of our first commitment together. A reminder that I was awaiting his return so that I could claim him again.
During our most hectic years together he worked regular overtime night shifts, whilst I did both school and work. We had our brief snatches of time together, thanks to cohabiting in a tiny efficiency flat. It was validation for me that mixing together our lives was worthwhile.
Those fragments of time and space that we shared were treasures in a stressful time.
Then came our first house hunt, where I as Domme had to goad my dearheart's ambition. As a result we now have a wonderful condo that allows us to trade acts of service back and forth every day. Our love is more structured now.
In short, I love how entangled our lives have become.
All this structure we've built around our relationship helps us grow even further – and most importantly we can do so in healthy ways.
Our Entangled Partnership
I love the word partner. I thrive on ambiguity and double-meanings, so in particular I love that it's such a flexible word. Life partner and business partner? My dearheart is both of those, and more.
I've always viewed our D/s relationship as an equal exchange. He offers his submission, I offer my gentle leadership, and together we are equals with different areas of responsibility.
One of my responsibilities is to develop my dearheart's skills and autonomy. I push him to learn new things, and to do better in his daily life. After all, he's offering his whole self to me. We both want that offering to be the best that it can be. I deserve no less than the best!
With his offering I can use him in my big plans. A major aspect of my Dominance is that I'm the visionary in our relationship, and I have all the ambitions. My dearheart is along for the ride, assisting where he can and happy to be dazzled by me.
No doubt that my dearheart is also daunted by my ambitions. He struggles to see his worthiness to have a place beside me. Which is why I spend so much time showing him my love every day, why I wrap him up entirely in my life.
Taking steps to entwine our lives reassures him. One day our partnership will end, by death or otherwise, but until then mixing our lives together is an act of commitment.
Our biggest step in entangling ourselves has been opening finances to each other. As a Domme with a self-evident love for personal finances I ended up in charge of it all. Getting a house together likewise structures our daily activities together. We also share a few friends, and have our routines based around my schedule.
Yet there is a toxic trap we seek to avoid: becoming so wrapped up in each other that individuality suffers.
Boundaries Within Our Femdom Relationship
All too often have I watched unhealthy relationships in the lifestyle play out into their eventual wreckage. Sometimes it feels like there are only a handful of reasonable kinksters in the community – everyone has drama and stories.
One pitfall that I'm most wary about is the erosion of boundaries in our relationship. It can come in many forms, but mostly I'm worried about my dearheart having nothing to define himself but me. Especially since he quit his job to become a house spouse and lost his working identity.
He needs something to eventually replace that identity, but it has to come from himself. I can't let him define himself around me, because that would blur our personal boundaries too much. As well, it's healthier to define yourself on internal traits, rather than on your circumstances.
If you derive identity from yourself, it can't be taken away. If you define yourself based on work, family, friends, or other ephemeral things? You can tragically lose them.
I wish for my dearheart to be autonomous – I don't want to be his whole world. I want him to be able to cope with life's struggles on his own, in case I'm not there to support him. I also worry that our entwined relationship may inhibit each other's growth – especially with regards to polyamory.
All in all, I desire for him to be complete – so that together we can be abundantly more than the sum of our selves.
Polyamory with Our Femdom Relationship
Of course one of the largest concerns we have is how our entwined D/s relationship might adversely affect our other relationships.
For one thing, owning my dearheart means that I have substantial influence over his relationships. It's not something we've formalised, but he needs to get my approval for his dating life.
In part this stems from our partnership: he values my ability to judge character. Yet our power dynamics mean that he is mine, and I own all his time. I'm generous with it and I'd love to share him, but at the end of the day there is unavoidably the fact that he answers to me.
There are always imbalances and different power dynamics like these going on. It could become a delicate balancing act to have multiple relationships.
For my own relationships I like to embrace those imbalances directly. Yes, I'm married to my dearheart, but that doesn't diminish the intensity of my other relationships. My marriage is more to do with finances and responsibilities, and it is separate from my romantic relationship with my dearheart.
That leads to a difficult question though. How can I give myself fully to another person if 40% of my life's time is bound up in my dearheart?
In truth, I don't know yet what giving myself to multiple people will look like.
However, it's a mistake to assume that time together is the same as quality time with a partner. Busy weeks have hit where despite interacting with my dearheart every day, I had more quality time with my Dom friend that I only saw for a few intense hours. It's easy for things to get to the point where my dearheart and I to need to strap down into working mode.
Quality of time together is far more vital than the quantity of time together, I find.
I also know what it's like to give myself over to work. I've stayed late in the office to work on projects, popped in on weekends, and skipped company "fun" events to get head-down work time. So in a sense, my partner and I already know the de facto reality of what it's like to have me committed a couple times over.
Perhaps giving myself to multiple partners comes down to this twofold question:
Are each of our baseline needs satisfied, and do I dedicate my excess time and energy to my partners?
If both of those are true, then perhaps our relationships are wholehearted. After all, it's easy to give away time and energy when it's abundant. It's a better measure of a person if they keep giving when resources are scarce.
Closing Thoughts
If one thing is clear, it's that I'm not a casual person. I love being entangled with my dearheart, and I want to wrap myself up in yet another person. Not gently or smoothly, but with a plummet that leaves us frightened and exhilarated.
I love a healthy dose of fear injected into my relationships. Fear makes for an interesting motivator, and it certainly enlivens my life. Fear also affords a wonderful opportunity to soothe and care for my partner.
Though it's only small fears that are the perfect excuse for cuddles and reassurances. Big fears have a tendency to numb my dearheart to affection. It means that as his caring Domme, I can only wait anxiously for him to come out of it and respond to snuggles again.
I love to share with the world what my partnership with my dearheart looks like. I hope you've enjoyed this dive into the dynamics, and some of my thoughts on our Femdom journey thus far.
If you enjoyed this post, I hope you will enjoy the other topics I cover on my domain. For instance, I invite to your attention this post about growth and s-curves in business:
Mistress
