Seven Things Being a Kinkster Means

Kink Dec 20, 2020

Obviously being kinky is part of being a kinkster, but what else is there to celebrate? What benefits are there to being a kinkster? I see kinksters as a vibrant lot of diverse people, with plenty of positive qualities. Here's seven things that being a kinkster means to me:

1 - Open minded and accepting

There's one handful of an acronym "YKINMKBYKIOK" that means "Your kink is not my kink, but your kink is O.K." I think this is a great way of understanding the community around kink. Who are we to judge one another? So long as you do no harm, kinksters will accept you as you are.

Kinksters are also more often open to trying new experiences, for example violet wands and sounding rods. Other new experiences may even be simple to obtain by handing control of a scene over to another person. It takes a lot of trust to be so receptive to other people's control of a scene. Yet you can be rewarded with so many new sensations for it – from flogging to psychological headtrips to dripping wax play to obedience.

2 - Self-identify with the kink community

It's one thing to enjoy rough play in privacy – and fairly common for that matter. It's another thing to embrace the kink community, and be welcomed in return. My dearheart for instance does not identify as a kinkster, despite his kinky inclinations. He has little interest in the community aspects of the lifestyle.

Thus it's important for kinksters to self-select themselves, and decide that they wish to participate in the community. They may dictate the terms in which they engage the community, or even do so from a distance. Yet that self-identification is there.

Wedding Reception Speech Toast Champagne
Photo by Photos by Lanty / Unsplash

3 - Celebrate what you do without shame

Life is too tragically short for shame and regret. Sadly, too many people are taught that their desires are shameful and should be suppressed. Kinksters push back against this by celebrating those desires instead.

So long as you do no harm, you will be able to find other passionate souls who enjoy the same things you do. Enthusiasm and positivism beget more positivity and enriched experiences as you share stories. That interplay with others may spark your imagination, leading to even more energy for your endeavours.

4 - Relational power dynamics are explicit

Something I have admired always with kink is that power dynamics are up front, and discussed openly. There's mentorship, power exchange, casual dynamics, and more.

In the vanilla world, all too often I have seen people neglect their dynamics and ignore problems. For example by pretending that both partners have equal say in all matters, or by playing games in the transactional analysis sense. There might also be unspoken expectations, especially around gender role based dynamics such as who does most of the household chores.

Many kinksters talk about power and relationship dynamics all the dang time. It's also built right into roles based around Dominance/submission. Affirmative consent is a familiar friend to most kinksters, as are negotiations. After all if you like something out of the ordinary, you need to communicate that and negotiate with your partners whether they can assist you with fulfilling it.

Powerful man
Photo by Lopez Robin / Unsplash

5 - Communicate effectively

Wanting something beyond ordinary fare means you need to negotiate it first – you can't just bring a knife into bed without killing the mood and worrying people. So this enforces a modicum of communication into your relationships, but this is just the start!

Kinksters have a whole host of communication strategies on hand, from the basics such as discussing boundaries and obtaining affirmative consent, to the ongoing check-ins and the debriefings.

Another aspect of kinksters is that many of them are passionate about psychology and relationships. As a result they're collectively more well-read than typical people, and are more effective at examining their own behaviours.

6 - Explore boundaries safely

One of the most beautiful aspects of BDSM is growth and the exploration of boundaries. Have you ever asked yourself the question "Just how much pain can I endure, anyway?" With soft boundaries you can find the answer to that question, and sometimes go beyond what you expected of yourself.

Kinksters should always be growing, and kink is one way of doing so. Pushing boundaries in a risk-aware, safety-conscious manner allows you to avoid serious mental (or physical!) harm. Safe words and aftercare are crucial tools for this.

My brother recently landed a feature role in an amateur theatre production of “Singing In The Rain”. Despite what the title infers - there is nothing amateur about it. Production value is high, and the acting takes you out of the auditorium and into your own magical sing-song world. Needless to say - a very proud brother right here.
Photo by Kyle Head / Unsplash

7 - Theatrics and creativity

Kink can be a performance art, or a technically-involved display of skill. A random person off the street isn't likely to know how best to whip someone, or how to avoid hitting unpleasantly painful parts of the body. Likewise it's a performance to serve in public and obey protocols. Of course there are also the most prominent of performances: putting on scenes in dungeons.

Kinksters bring a lot of creativity to play, developing new and exciting scenes or sensations. A skilled kinkster mixes in theatrics to play, whether it's a well-timed gasp from a sub as the ropes cinch down, or the verbal stroke of a diminutive title.

Final Words

Of course, these are all generalities about a label – and labels are not people. Not everyone who identifies as a kinkster will agree with these points. It's also worth noting that the kink community is not all happiness – there's serious festering risks to it, such as predators and consent violations and accidental injuries.

That said, there's plenty of positive attributes that I enjoy about being a kinkster. I'd rather have those benefits and minimise the risks on my own terms than to give it up entirely.

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Mistress

Mistress of the Home, responsible for all matters financial. A loving Domme tempered with ambition and attention to detail.

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